Mood swings.

Bakit ako naiinis? Tch.

Ako: Mahal mo pa ba sya?

Sya: Oo

Just that one word. Two letters. And my heart just broke into pieces again. He loved her, still. I dont know what to feel rly. I am empty as fuck.

Morning Thoughts.

How to move on? Lmao. Tho I didnt had the chance to be in a relationship with him. He didnt liked me either. But why do I have to do this? Move on. Move on. Two words, easy to say but hard to do indeed.

I fell and I fell hard. Gaaaahhhhh

Wandering Thoughts. ☆

You. You just happened to be the man I wanted to be with. But I know, I had these mutual understandings with some guys isnt right. It is classified as un-loyalty lmao. You said I was a flirt but not to the extent that Im an actually a flirt but your words hits me like a knife. Your thoughts about me always matters first before them. But what did I do? I let you have that impression towards me now. It will surely take a long time again before you can trust me again like what we used to be before. You’re my almost. Almost..

I love your sharp tongue that could slay me with even just an “Okay” from you.
You care for me even if you always said that you were fed up.
You’re actually has this cute attitude that mesmerized me everytime. Every minute. Haha!
You’re just being you. The mean, rude, harsh and cold guy but is actually soft inside.
I love the way you appreciate little things even if you dont deserve little things baby. You deserve the world.
You’re good for me. Too good to be true.
You’re my life force. You make me smile in just a flicker. Just you against them and I’m fine. As long as I have you.
I love you. But Im an idiot for having secret affairs (ALMOST AN AFFAIR, MIND Y’ALL) Im an ungrateful bish argh.
I love you. But I am not for you. You’re hard to reach and all. Heavens and Earth is our society distance.
I adore you even if I dont know how you actually looks like or hear your voice, or your skintone, your height and your expressions. We are just over the internet but I shoved my feelings on you this deep. So deeo that I could pour water and get drown into it. But I bet that would be a one of a good kind of drowning.
I feel sorry for myself, you… for not loving me. for not seeing me as a real woman. for not giving me a chance to love you. for not taking it my feelings seriously.. for not noticing how much I love you.

Im sorry that I couldnt be perfect enough and Im sorry if Im all wrapped with flaws and bad attitude problems and for being a warfreak and frank.

I have to forget you..

BY ALL MEANS.

Mahirap mag isa. Mahirap makaramdam ng mag isa ka lang lalo na sa paligid ng mga taong akala mo eh kakampi ang turing sayo. Grabe. Ayoko sa ganitong buhay. Ayoko. Ayoko. Kung pwede lang sanang bumalik sa dati.

RidiculousThoughts.

Ako yung taong madaling magpadala sa galit. Sa nararamdaman. Tama nga sila, hindi ko kayang kontrolin yung feelings ko. May mga bagay na ginagawa ko pero ang totoo, labag sa loob ko.
Ako yung taong nakangiti pero sa loob, patay na. Wala manlang magbother na magtanong kung ayos lang ba ko.

Maganda na din to, yung ako lang nakakaalam ng nararamdaman ko, para hindi nila yun gamitin para maging mahina ako.

Minsan, nakakasawa nang magpanggap na okay lang sakin yung lahat. Gusto kong umiyak. Ang kaso, may makakaintindi ba sakin? Wala. Sarili ko lang kakampi ko. Wala nang iba.

I was born alone, and die alone.

Mga kaartehan ko lang sa buhay.

Babae ako. Pabago bago ang isip ko.
Lalo na ako. Hindi ako nag-i-stay sa isang decision hangga’t hindi ako sumasaya sa mga bagay na ginawa ko.

Ngayon, kahit mag-isa ako. Proud ako. Kasi hindi ko kailangan ng boyfriend para sumaya ako. Sa mga simpleng bagay lang na nagagawa ko kasama mga kaibigan ko, sapat na.
Nasasabi ko na matapang ako kasi walang nakakaalam na sa kabila ng mga ngiti sa labi ko, mga pacute na expression ko sa mga bagay bagay; ay ang isa PANG pagkatao na ako lang ang nakakakilala. Na pag nakita ng iba ay paniguradong hinding hindi na nila gugustuhin pang makita. Sa mga bagay na naiisip ko, hindi na lang ako kumikibo. Lagi kong dinadaan sa biro at kalokohan. Pero ang totoo, ayoko lang mainis at magalit sa mundo. Ayokong isipin na msyadong unfair yung mundo sakin. Pero thankful na din ako kasi kung hindi unfair ang mundo sakin, hindi ako magiging ganto katapang.

Masyadong random ang pag-iisip ko.

#MedyoBwiset.

Mga kaartehan ko lang sa buhay.

This is my online diary. Hays.
Hmmm. I’ll start with my effin’ abnormal lovelife.

I’m a bisexual, I guess. Cause I’m fvcking in like with a girl. Yes, a girl. She confessed that she had a crush on me. Instead of being horrified from what I’ve read, I feel so alive. So happy. I got chills.
That’s the time I finally confirmed that I like her too. Yes, you read it right. I LIKE HER TOO. Few hours ago, I chatted her. Telling that I like her too. I wanted her to be my girlfriend. But I’m late. Toooooooo late. She already had a girlfriend. It fvcking hurts me. I like that girl, even though I know her for abt 3 weeks. I like her. Ugh. If anyone is reading this, you will think I’m a lesbian. But, no. I. Am. Not. A. Lesbian. I just like girls. Errrrrg.
Someday, sometime. You will be my girlfriend, Miss Anne Doma.ü

Stuck in the moment (June 8, 2013 ; 12:04 PM)

Hais. Minsan naiisip ko na, nakakasawa din pala yung buhay ko dito.
Araw araw na lang na ganito.
Lagi kong naiisip kung ano yung sinasabe saken ng ibang tao pag nakatalikod ako sakanila.

Laging ganito. Nahihirapan din ako. Mahirap pala talagang malayo sa buhay na nakasanayan mo na.
Mahirap malayo sa pamilya mo.
Nakakamiss yung mga times na may nag aalaga saken, though malaki na ko.

Ngayon nasasabi ko na, na iba talaga pag nasa sariling bahay. Pag nasa sariling pamilya.
Pero, sobrang swerte ko at andito ako. Atleast, malayo din naman ako sa mga nakaraan kong gusto ko nang kalimutan.

Minsan, naiinggit ako sakanila, kase sila buo.
Tapos ako dito, mag-isa. Ni walang makaintindi sakin. Kahit sino.
Wala akong mapagsabihan ng mga hinanakit ko sa mundo.
Walang nagtatanong saken kung ayos lang ba ko. Wala. Kahit sino. Wala talaga.
Sabagay, ganun talaga siguro pag lagi kang masaya at walang pinoproblema. Walang nagtatanong kung malungkot ka na ba.

Kaya nga madalas, tinatakasan ko nalang yung realidad. Bumubuo nalang ako ng sarili kong mundo.
Sarili kong mundo na kahit kailan, hindi nila naiintindihan.
Sarili kong mundo na ako lang ang may alam.
Na sarili ko lang ang kakampi ko. Na sarili ko din ang kaaway ko.

Kumplikado ang buhay ko. Kaya ayoko nang dagdagan pa ng komplikasyon.
Tama na lang yung mag isa ako. Though madami akong nakakasalamuha, alam ko, in the end, ako at ako pa din ang matitira.

May mga bagay na, mas mabuting ako nalang yung may alam. Kesa sabihin ko pa sa iba. Na alam ko din namang huhusgahan ako. Kaya kikimkimin ko na lang to.
Atleast, alam ko sa sarili ko na, may nagagawa akong tama.

Akala ng iba, matapang ako. Akala nila wala akong kinakatakutan.
Pero hindi, sa sobrang dami ng bagay na kinakatakutan ko, pagtatawanan nalang nila ako.
Kaya mas mabuti na yung ganito. Dito na ko masaya. Edi itutuloy ko na.

May natanong sakin, bakit daw ayokong magboyfriend.
Natawa ako, kasi nakakatawa yung tanong nya.
Ang sagot ko:
“Ang komplikado na nga ng buhay ko, idadagdag ko pa yun? Mas lalo lang magiging komplikado buhay ko. Magulo akong babae. Hindi ko kayang labanan yung isip ko. Yung isip ko ang nasusunod. Hindi yung puso ko.”

Sa sinagot ko na yan, ang dami kong narealize. Sobrang dami.

Masaya na ko sa mundong ginawa ko. Sa mundong ako ang bida.
Ayokong magpapasok ng KAHIT NA SINO.
Kuntento na ko…

Dreaming of YOU :'<

Reality sucks. Yea I know. For a fangirl like me. Reality sucks even more.
I admire Xi Luhan so much to the point that I mentally rape him. Byuntae right? But it’s the truth.

Because I’m too busy noticing the other members of EXO, too busy collecting pictures of them, I forgot Luhan, not so totallt forgotten. It’s just I lose my focus on him.
But lately, I’ve been dreaming of him. Ahh, weird dreams I told you.
The first was; he was kissing me, showing me his manly side, in that dream, he’s envious of Kai. Because I admire Kai’s manliness. (and body too haha)
The second was, I introduced him to my family. And we took selca too! We’re officially a couple in MY DREAM. We’re going to SMEnt for some works. And after that, He asks me if it’s okay if he could take me out for a dinner. Ugh, When I woke up I was pissed off. I wish I lived in that dream. I don’t want to wake up that day.
The next was last night. That was the weirdest dream ever, for me.
In there, I’m a gangster. A gangster girl who fought a lot. Many people are scared of me because I’m a mafia there.
But, in that dream, everytime I see Luhan, there, I will cry a lot.
So I think Luhan was my weakness there.
When I woke up, (again) I feel so down. Another fantasy. Another dream that is IMPOSSIBLE to happen. Another hopeless thought, I guess.
And the last was a few hours ago.
I slept for an hour and a half, and he was in my dream again.
I don’t remember it clearly. But he was there.

All in my dreams, he was there. He is truly, madly in love with me in my dream. Which is soooooo IMPOSSIBLE to happen.

Am I too crazy? Coz I blog the thing that is bothering me right now. If only I was born beautiful enough for him to like me. If only I am the one that he’s referring as his Ideal Wife. His true love. If only..

And another odd thing. His cover of “I will let you go” when I downloaded it yesterday and played it, i felt the dejavu. Cause I think I’ve heard that song and that voice.
Ah.. I sound so crazy right now. I’m ridiculous right? And pathetic too. If anyone sees this, they will think I’m a feeler or what.
Ahh, I better get some sleep before it gets worse. Ha-ha! 🙂

P.S
School days are near. I will be focusing on my studies more than EXO. Hais.